|
[14 Jul 2009|01:55am] |
all i have felt like doing lately is to write.
my juices are flowing again.
we have started to build a beautiful doll house.
random trips to malls and pet stores.
i want to remember my life and write all my stories in a moleskin. (remember to buy one next time you go to barnes and noble! i discovered them there tonight...for cheap!) i want to sculpt, and to learn about reflexology and essential oils.
my to do list is never ending.
i'm thinking about a blogBLOG, just for fun. but so i will write, and take pictures, and CREATE something. oh, and a zine is in the works when life settles down.
OH! ps. i'm going vegetarian again, and then vegan. i'm not sure for how long, but it is going to happen relatively soon. i want to see if it opens up some sort of intergalactic blockage that has been going on in my brain. if you know of any resources send them my way.
loves.
xo.
|
|
|
[22 Jun 2009|01:42pm] |
many things in my head.
many things to write.
i have been feeling empty lately. i need to be shaken up.
new things have been happening, school. new boys. new adventures. new places.
but i haven't felt like i should.
i will write more.
i'm doing fine, things are just jumbled. i hope.
ox.
|
|
|
[24 May 2009|10:45pm] |
My life has been like a roller coaster. I've been up and down so much, sometimes I forget who I really am.
I started school, and I absolutely love it, and it has helped me get into my own very head again.
I got really scared last weekend, I thought I was going to have to move back to Minnesota for the summer. But everything worked out, and I feel a little better.
I got a semi-job with a sculptor, assisting in his studio. The first day went VERY strangely. I popped my tired, and it was terrible, and thats all I really will say. I'll just say he turned a little, and let his artsy-fartsy side get the best of him.
I've been working on some pre production stuff with a group of people that are nice, and the man I'm helping gave me $100 today to get my tire fixed. I'm so thankful for people who help me when I need it.
I have an interview next week. Hopefully they will work with my school schedule and it will bring in enough money for me to buy my train and subway passes, and help me save some money to move out into my own place.
I finish school in September, and I'm actually thinking I will leave New York then; I'm still obsessed with new places. I'm thinking Colorado, or Texas, or ANYWHERE. I have to look at laws for transfers and things, but its a great possibility.
Thats it for the moment...I need to update more often, I think it would help me quite a bit. Get things outta my noggin. bah.
|
|
|
[27 Apr 2009|09:38pm] |
i worked on a action movie set this weekend.
the camera man looks like cory mathews, sans curly hair, and more of a skater style.
i'm crushing hard.
i haven't had a crush like this in so long.
he is quiet and tall and wears rebok pumps.
he has sweet brown eyes and oh man!
and i hooked up with a kid from atlantic city last week. that is the only and last time i let a dude treat me like a slut. i was drunk. and didn't care, so i did it. and it is what it is. he wasn't my type, and was a bad kisser. but i haven't had physical contact in so long. and i'm okay with it. haha. wow.
life has been good. i start school in two weeks.
|
|
|
[07 Apr 2009|04:38pm] |
true, genuine happiness.
the sky is blue, and the wind is blowing.
i'm just happy to be alive, and happy that i have the opportunities that i do.
i need to recognize that more often; just sit and breathe for awhile.
good things are coming my way.
yep, my real, cheesy grin.
|
|
|
[13 Mar 2009|12:19pm] |
i haven't written in such a long time. i haven't really had time to stop and write, to let things out.
i'm sitting here, alone, watching time-warp on the discovery channel. it is 12:20 pm. i am still in pajamas.
i'm living with francesca and her mother. they graciously invited me to stay with them until i get on my feet.
what can i say? new jersey is weird. i haven't gotten used to the area yet, or met anyone new, but i've only been here for a week.
i'm getting ready to send out resemes. get a job for now. save some money up.
i'm going to avdea in soho, hopefully in may, i've been playing phone tag with the admissions woman this week. i'll be going for esthiology, like i planned to in minneapolis, but i love it here. i want to see what new york has in store for me.
we went into the city last thursday, it was nice.
i'll be visiting philadelphia soon, seeing jamie, doing some work. a photoshoot and a short film. it should be fun. i'm excited to meet new people, see new places. i just want it to happen soon.
not much is really happening. i'm getting adjusted. making plans to see old friends, hanging out, laughing, and actually being super duper healthy. i bought a HULA HOOP! i can't wait to get it in the mail. its an adult sized one, and weighted. i seriously can't wait.
i'm going to try and write more, but lately i haven't known what to write about. we'll see i guess.
xo.
|
|
|
[25 Jan 2009|08:10pm] |
"Now its up to you, we can make a secret rendezvous.
Just me and you, I'll show you loving like you never knew."
i have the strangest taste in music. and i'm in the best mood tonight.
i'm about to run to the store to get some water, green tea, and cigarettes.
finish cleaning, doing laundry, start packing, and working on some artzz.
zombie prom was last night, i had a lot of fun. and got too drunk.
i'm going to be really sad to leave this place. but life is good. and that is all.
oh. and having clean dishes is the best feeling in the world.
i get to show my family the place that i've been living, and the life that i've been living in a few days.
weird. hahah.
life is starting, and let me tell you, i'm more excited than ever.
|
|
|
[14 Jan 2009|01:02pm] |
i'm really stressed. so i'm going to write.
i feel like i should be crying or worrying. but i'm really not.
i'm a little nervous. but blah.
i have 2 weeks left here in PA. 2 weeks left here in this apartment.
i feel like i should have been prepared. i started a countdown so long ago.
but i'm not prepared.
the plan was to move back to minneapolis, for 2 years max. and then leave, and have some great adventure.
but i want the adventure now. i don't want to settle into a life, and get too scared to leave.
i'm looking at leaving as something good (well, i'm trying to.)
but i want to travel, run away, and do all the things i've ever wanted to.
i'm scared of money, and failure.
i'm scared of not finding a job, and not being able to pay off my loans.
i'm trying not to think like this, because i know the universe will take care of me.
i know i am exactly where i was meant to be, feeling exactly what i'm feeling right now.
i don't have a plan anymore. i don't have an apartment or job set up, or enough money saved up.
i hope the economy gets better, i hope life gets a little easier.
i feel like i don't have enough projects completed, and that my degree is a joke.
all my friends here have boyfriends, or something pulling at them back home.
i want someone who can just pick up and leave like i'm doing, i want them to ride with me across the country in a shitty car, doing odd jobs, making memories and meeting people, taking pictures, learning new things. i want to find myself. (how cheesy. but it is honest.)
this is jumbled, and sloppy. but i needed to get everything out.
and put things into perspective.
so.
a.) find a place to live. (city & apartment.)
b.) buy a car.
c.) find a job.
seems simple right? i'm completely and totally free. i could do anything. and the sad part is, i have no idea where to go.
what would you do if you could do anything, go anywhere, see anything. (on a limited budget. bahaha.)
|
|
|
[10 Jan 2009|12:13am] |
sometimes i think of you, and i think i should cry.
but i don't anymore.
i'm sending you your book in the mail. i thought about writing you one last letter.
but i won't do that anymore.
i thought we were so alike, that maybe we shared something i never thought was possible.
but i was wrong.
and i don't feel that way anymore.
i was born with wings, born with adventure in my veins.
and you were not.
you never understood that about me.
it still hurts sometimes to think of what i lost, but i know we are both better off.
i just want you to know that you're missing out. really, truly.
you knew it too, when your eyes were filled with tears, and you told me you were sorry, and when i turned away because i thought my world was ending.
but i don't think that anymore.
whatever you're doing, and where ever you are, i hope that you're in love. that you are happy.
because i can't make you happy anymore.
it has been 8 months.
i won't call you anymore, or text you anymore.
or want you anymore.
but i want to cosmically thank you for the love you gave me, the love you let me give you.
but the best gift you've ever given, was letting me go.
your letters will be set on fire tomorrow evening, and i hope you've already burned mine.
you are not the last man i will ever love.
or the last man that will ever love me.
|
|
|
[06 Jan 2009|12:15am] |
things are different. and i am thankful.
my break was happy-sad-boring-amazing-silly-heartbreaking-eye opening all in one.
katie and shawn picked me up from the airport. and as we were driving, i realized my heart was no longer in minnesota. i knew i couldn't come back. this place wasn't home anymore. my heart was pulling me elsewhere. wanderlust describes my insides. i want to meet everyone i can, anyone i can. i want to learn from others, i want to travel, and love and open my eyes to everything i possibly can. moving 2000 miles away from home was the best thing i could have ever done. why go back so soon? why take a step back into something i no longer fit into?
i feel so different from all of my "high school" friends. i heard from a little bird that they had been talking about me the last time i was home. i felt betrayed, i was embarrassed. it wasn't the fact that they had said something, it was the fact that they were fake to me after that. i don't care if you don't like me, or talk shit about me. i like me, i like myself; finally, finally, finally. but just don't be fake to me, be honest with me. be true and real to me, like i am to you.
i avoid drama, i avoid negative things. i just want to be happy, i want to feel the best that i possibly ever can.
i want to smile, and laugh, and and just live.
i said something confronted them, and dropped it. i don't need to hold onto grudges, or make enemies. i got together with them, i had fun.
but it made me realize that maybe we just don't mesh as well anymore.
i'm done with school in three weeks, i graduate, and start my life.
i'll continue to take sculpting classes, and i want to take glass blowing classes, and sign language class and make moccasins, and travel the world.
i'm not worried about what will happen. i don't have a definite plan, but i will.
it is either colorado or philadelphia, or wherever an opportunity happens to pop up.
life is exciting.
|
|
|
[14 Dec 2008|12:35am] |
my eyes are open. open wide.
i am ready.
more ready than i have ever have been.
am i wrong for being so chill? i'm dedicated, and focused, yet happy, and kind hearted.
i love to laugh, and smile.
but i am myself, and that is all. i won't put on a front. i'm not trying to impress you.
i'll give you my love, if i think you deserve it.
and maybe thats why i come off as a bitch. i'm not sure.
my roommates say they love when i'm "real". when i just bust out dancing, or make weird faces.
i'm not afraid to be ugly. i'm not afraid of being silly to make you feel good.
thats just who i am. and i'm finally embracing this.
someone here asked me, in a joking way, after i had done something silly; "what kind of girl are you?". of course we laughed about it. and i realized all this. that i don't give a shit. i try to live in the moment. but i live with drive, and i have dreams. i can be firm minded, yet also have my head in the clouds. i can't live my life for you. i surround myself with people who make me laugh, and bring out the best in me, people who matter to me.
don't get me wrong, i've been through some shit, but who hasn't? but i decided a long time ago that something painful is not something worth being held onto. i would rather live my life happy, not bitter. i won't tell you my deepest secrets up front, because that is not who i am anymore. they were lessons, lessons learned. move on, let go.
i'm usually very different from peoples first impressions of me. and i'm okay with that. people always think i'm older. nope, freshly 20, getting shit done. i stay out of drama, and things that don't matter. it is a waste of my energy. i'm passionate about certain things, i'm not mindless. i like things that shake a certain part of me. i can't promise to agree with you on everything, but i'll be respectful of your ideas, and i know you must have your very own reasons. and i expect the very same.
so yep, thats what kind of girl i am.
and wow, have i changed.
oh anddddd!
minnesota in one week. and i can't wait.
i'm going to be doing a tooon of makeup on people, and i can't wait.
it will be fun. :)
jozette: it would make me terribly happy if you would let me do some makeup on you, and take some pictures. let me know.
|
|
|
[13 Nov 2008|12:02pm] |
sometimes i think i let the wrong ones in.
you didn't wish me a happy birthday. i know you know when it was.
i told myself if you didn't say it, i would let go.
so i have.
thank you.
|
|
|
[12 Nov 2008|10:35am] |
i am twenty years old.
i am older than i ever have been, at this moment.
but that is true about everyday. haha.
i got sent home from school. because my eye is swollen, and they don't know what i have.
pretty much sucks.
i think it was caused by my contact, and sinus pressure, because i've been sick.
i took some advil, and i'm going to cold compress it and see if it goes down.
keep your fingers crossed.
i have a feeling i'm going to be getting really drunk this weekend...
holy moly, i'm 20.
|
|
|
[31 Oct 2008|09:18pm] |
i wear plastic bugs in my hair everyday now.
and i haven't used a blow-dryer in days.
i've wanted to sculpt every minute of spare time i've had.
i've gotten so much, so, so much school work & extra done in a weeks time.
and i've been involving myself, i like being remembered.
and my confidence in life has rocketed lately.
and i've been happy.
more or less there are still things i want, but i am content.
and i've been smiling more.
and realizing who-what-where i am.
and who-what-where i need to be.
oh, and new york was amazing, as always. it was just nice to get out of pennsylvania. it was nice to feel life everywhere.
banksy is amazing. i was drooling. we got there early (well, before everyone else, we spent 2 hours getting there on the subway and walking bleeker st. for what seemed like ages.) and took our time inside, and i took pictures and video. i'm so glad we got to go. that was probably the most spontaneous thing i've ever done. and everything worked out..even if we didn't think it would.
videooooooo...
|
|
|
[21 Oct 2008|02:39pm] |
i don't have a halloween costume. i'm really bummed.
and i don't get to go to zombie fest.
and i need a haircut soon.
i hate chapped lips.
but i enjoy talking about astrology and drinking 40s.
and doing lifecasts on people.
and waking up at 2pm.
i can't believe i'm out of here in about 3 months.
i'm not sure if i'm happy or sad about this..?
|
|
|
[21 Oct 2008|01:54am] |
|
i want to have pretty hair, and keep stretching my ears, and collect tea cups, and paint my toe nails black, make blanket forts, and bake cookies, and have comfy bed tea parties, and drink cheap wine, and go on nature walks, and have dinner dates, and collect silly records, and take too many pictures, and fall in love again, and smile everyday, skinny-dip, and sing at the top of my lungs, play the castanets and the tambourine in a silly band, and do crosswords, and sunbathe on rooftops, and eat with chopsticks, and wear cowboy boots and sun dresses, dance in my underwear, eat raspberries, hide under the covers and exchange secrets, make snow angels, and hold hands while we sleep, go clubbing and dance until i fall down, drink too much beer, build the ultimate makeup case, and fly kites, and watch infomercials, laugh until my sides hurt, and paint your face with my fingers, get back rubs, and wear flowers and feathers in my hair, and sleep under the stars, and learn how to play the cello, and to speak my mind, and learn how to speak with my hands and fingers, and give you back rubs, and tell you everything will be alright; because it will be, and be a shoulder to cry on, to write messages on sidewalks in chalk, and look through a telescope, wake up with the sun, and learn my family history, and collect black and white photos of families i've never met, and i want you to sing to me, grow sunflowers, and forgive you, butterfly and eskimo kisses, and make s'mores in the microwave, and learn a little spanish, play hopscotch, and drink gin and tonics, and grow herbs on my kitchen windowsill, and develop my own photos in a darkroom again, wake up smiling, collect postcards, and to be completely and wholly happy.
|
|
|
[28 Sep 2008|10:11pm] |
as much as i complain, and bitch, and cry. i know everything will be how they are supposed to be.
i think its funny as i look back and begin to realize why things happened. why i am who i am.
i am happy.
yes, maybe i'm broken. but who isn't? living is hard sometimes.
this year has been so different then i had ever expected. but in the very best way.
i have grown a new skin, a new brain, and a new heart.
things are very much different from when i was 18.
my mother ran into my father and my step mother while at the bar this weekend. my mom confronted them. my father wouldn't even shake my step-dad's hand. and my mom had the guts, or maybe it was the liquid courage, to say "i can't believe that you wouldn't shake the hand of the man that raised your daughter." its true. terry is my dad. he is the man that will walk me down the isle when i marry, and the man i will send fathers day cards to, and who my children will call grandpa. my father walked away, but my step-mom went back inside the bar with my parents, and talked to my mom about my father, and the past. my father (yes repetitive, but i will never be able to call him my dad again, he isn't anymore.) apparently feels very guilty about everything he has done to me. they didn't even know i had moved to pittsburgh. my mom wants me to talk to him, but i don't feel anything for him anymore. he has hurt me so much.
for the longest time i hated my face. hated what he gave me. i cringed when people told me i had beautiful eyes, these are his eyes. i hated the way my lips were shaped and the color of my hair.
but now i am thankful of it. i can see myself, and not him. i let go of the pain. i had to realize that holding onto it meant nothing.
i feel numb to him. i could talk to him, i could tell him how much he has hurt me, but i don't need to. the place where i held him in my heart is cold.
my step mother was telling my mom that he wanted to fix things with me. but i don't believe he ever could. i can be civil with him, but never loving. i will never be able to tell him i love him, because i don't.
|
|
|
[28 Sep 2008|05:39pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
maps & atlases. |
] |
"awh.
hearing from you makes me so happy.
you remind me that there are human beings out there.
not just mindless blood-sucking robots.
thank you a million times.
I really hope the days are treating you with kindness and you're bringing light into others' lives.
keep being."
probably one of the nicest things someone has ever told me.
today is a good day.
|
|
|
[27 Sep 2008|10:21pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
breathe owl breathe |
] |
i keep thinking about the last time i kissed you. i was comfortable with you.
it fit, it felt right.
your hands and long fingers felt good on the small of my back.
i gave a very large piece of myself up for you. handed it to you happily on a plate.
i hope your pillow still smells of my hair.
and i hope that a girl will never kiss you like i did.
|
|
|
[24 Sep 2008|10:12pm] |
|
i forgot what getting butterflies felt like.
but i got them tonight. over old memories, and bright-and-shiny futures.
i miss the bumblebees in my stomach, the loud heartbeats, the head-spinning-till-it-falls off sort of feeling.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
her_neon_heart's journal